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Breaking News/Archive/032007
New Orleans Rebuilding Complete NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA, March 30, 2007-- Just a few scant months after The Greatest President Ever declared New Orleans a disaster area, it has experienced a miraculous recovery. And no thanks to Nancy Pelosi or any other liberal. George Orwell, lead manager for The Greatest Administration Ever's "America's Largest Port Fix" (a special project headed by FEMA, which they started just because), has successfully fixed an entire city way faster than anyone ever has, including that one time San Francisco had that little earthquake. "We saw an area that needed fixing, and we went in with our vast surplus and army of volunteers from all around the country and even a few international communities such as Iraq and Mexico," Mr. Orwell told Wikiality.com, "and now everything is exactly like it was before Bill Clinton caused Katrina. Go to google maps and check it out for yourself." Wikiality.com did go over to Google Maps and saw everything was as Mr. Orwell said it was and would always stay that way. God Bless You, Mr. Orwell! ### ***UPDATE*** It appears Nancy Pelosi can't leave well enough alone! She has used her power as Speaker of the House to force The Google into only using images of New Orleans during Katrina. Read the whole sordid mess here! What an asshole! ### British Sailors Held Hostage by Terrorists!!! DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES, March 25, 2007-- Fifteen sailors of the Royal British Navy have been taken hostage by terrorists in what many are describing as a clear attack by Iran on the Coalition of the Willing. "We will not stand by as one of our staunchest allies in the War on Terror is so blatantly and maliciously attacked without provocation," an unnamed Polish official told Wikiality.com, "and it is definitely not another Gulf of Tonkin Incident. I repeat, this is not not another Gulf of Tonkin Incident. We do not have to use this incident as a reason to attack or invade Iran. We already have that in place, excuse me, my English, she's not so good...um...we have no plans to attack or invade the sovereign nation of Iran, or any other muslim nation in the Axis of Evil. We would just as soon attack North Korea, if they were involved in this heinous, barbaric act." When asked to respond, Rahm Emanuel refused to answer unless Wikiality.com vowed never to post the name Stephen Colbert ever again, Wikiality.com told him we had to talk to our lawyers and left him on hold. ### Liberals Infiltrate University, Deny Jeb Bush Award TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA, March 24, 2007-- In a tradition that goes back to its discovery, the former governor of Florida travels throughout his state to receive accolades and praise from all he meets once. But, for Jeb Bush, this final farewell would be different. Ever since liberals attempted to steal the 2000 election from Jeb's brother, The Greatest President Ever, the political climate in Florida has been compromised. Reports of vote-counting and transcripts have increased dramatically since that fateful day. Rumors abound about the sheer number of Jews who have taken it upon themselves to create chaos for the helpless Cuban population by becoming recent residents to the Sunshine state. "We welcome all kinds of people to my state," Mr. Bush said during the 2000 liberal vote scandal, "despite how Jewish or liberal they are." And his policies reflect his dedication to Compassionate Conservatism. During his terms as governor of Florida, Mr. Bush passed many laws favoring Jews and liberals: * the Jew Identification Act, a law that celebrated the Jews with large gold stars for them to wear so people could say, "Shalom!" * the Liberal Identification Act, a law similar to the Jew ID Act, but where liberals are given pinbk stars to proudly wear on their sleeves With all that in the forefront of America's minds, what could possibly prevent a public school from awarding Mr. Bush with an award he so rightly deserves? One of the liberals who was behind this disgraceful oversight told Wikiality.com that Mr. Bush deserves no recognition considering his involvement in the Terri Schiavo debacle. This Wikiality.com reporter punched him in the nose, and took his wallet. To combat Florida's liberal infestation, Wikiality.com offers a special page, for Real Americans to Give Jeb Bush An Award. ### Animal Rights Activists Want Bear Killed Heeding the vigillent warnings of Stephen Colbert, now even animal rights activists are supporting the killing of a bear. The Godless killing machine in question is a baby polar bear named Knut, who currently uses his fearsome 19lb bulk to terrorize Berlin Zoo. And according to Frank Albrecht, an animal rights spokesman, "The zoo must kill the bear." Publically, Albrecht fears the killer beast will suffer humiliation as a domestic pet. But in truth this revelation is a clear sign that even hippy tree-hugging liberals are learning to accept that bears are a deadly threat to man's holy subjugation of our terrifying planet. What next a terrorist openly admitting to countless crimes?! FULL STORY ### Ben & Jerry's Recalls 250,000 Pints of Willie Nelson's Country Peach Cobbler ATLANTA, GA (March 19, 2007) - Georgia Agriculture Commissioner Tommy Irvin reports that some Ben & Jerry’s ice cream is being voluntarily recalled because it contains wheat not listed on the product container. Ben & Jerry's, South Burlington, Vermont, in cooperation with the Food and Drug Administration, is voluntarily recalling 250,000 pints of its Ben & Jerry's Country Peach Cobbler Ice Cream: Peach Ice Cream with Cinnamon-Sugar Shortbread Pieces & a Peach Swirl ("Country Peach Cobbler"), because it contains undeclared wheat weed. FULL STORY ### The Greatest President Ever Offers Democrats A View of A Government At Work CRAWFORD, TEXAS, March 20, 2007-- The Greatest President Ever has offered the democrats an exclusive look into how their wildly successful and efficient administration operates. Wikiality.com insiders have received exclusive details: # a private walking tour with Harriet Miers similar to Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis' White House tour # the private audience will continue with a slide show of candid photos from the Karl Rove collection # finally, members of the democrat contingient will be allowed to tour the grounds of The Greatest President Ever's ranch with Dick Cheney riding shotgun. No word yet if Patrick Leahy has accepted this generous offer. See Also: Mr. Rove's open letter to Mr. Leahy ### Al Gore Challenged By Americans! PERTH, SCOTLAND, NORTH AMERICA, March 19, 2007-- The King of "global warming" (which doesn't even exist, but if it did, it would be called "Climate Change") has been officially challenged to a debate and to answer questions posed to him by Real Americans before the debate at another debate!!! Eat It! Tree-hugger! The vast majority of Americans logged onto JunkScience.com and helped create 20 questions that Al Gore had better answer when he comes before congress on March 21, 2007. And after he gets his ass handed to him by all those Americans, he can face a debate with a Scotsman, The Viscount Monckton of Brenchley in another debate against his blasphemous beliefs. Try to get out of that lockbox, Al! ### Wikiality Beats Wikipedia In Page Views Full Story Democrats Question Covert CIA Agent WASHINGTON, D.C., March 15, 2007-- In a blatant breach of National Security, democrats thirsty for Christian blood, subpeonaed a covert CIA agent and questioned her under oath. "It's simply disgraceful," an unnamed White House employee told Wikiality.com, "clearly the democrats do not care about the troops. Or any person involved in National Security. Their hate for The Greatest President Ever prevents from seeing how questioning a covert CIA operative could hurt the safety and security of not just the agent but every one of her contacts." The covert agent, whose code name (Joseph Wilson's Wife) was disclosed during the 16-hour investigation, wore a low-slung sheer white blouse barely covered by a businesswoman's jacket of an undisclosed color. It was not clear if this agent wore a skirt or slacks. Her sudden appearance before the committee was preceeded by a puff of smoke which took five minutes to dissipate and explained her husky voice. The agent explained to the meddling democrats that she wanted to retire, had been thinking about it for some time and was really just looking for a way out. Futhermore, she stated her desires to leave her husband for a reporter she had been romantically linked to and to whom she disclosed her CIA status to in the hopes of leaving both her husband and the agency. "I feel that I am finally free of this trap of the feminazi," the agent testified under oath, "now I can get back to doing God's work: for the children, my country and my man, Robert Novak, whose child I am carrying." The agent was excused, and none of the democrats apologized or resigned after the shameful posturing of a non-story of a non-crime. ### Emanuel tells freshmen Democrats to avoid Stephen Colbert By Jonathan E. Kaplan March 15, 2007 Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Ill.), the Democratic Caucus chairman, has told new Democratic members of Congress to steer clear of Stephen Colbert, or at least his satirical Comedy Central program, “The Colbert Report.” “He said don’t do it … it’s a risk and it’s probably safer not to do it,” said Rep. Steve Cohen. But the freshman lawmaker from Tennessee taped a segment that last week was featured in the 32nd installment of the “Better Know a District” series. Colbert asked Cohen whether he was a black woman. He isn’t. FULL STORY ### Terrorist Confesses To Crimes! GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA, March 15, 2007-- Patience pays off for America-lovers! Staying The Course proves righteous! Finally after years of tenacious interrogation and prayer, Al Qaeda's Number Two Man has confessed to all crimes, and the search for bin Laden has been called off indefinately! To see the full list of crimes Mr. Mohammed as confessed to, click here. ### Wordonistas Add "wiki" to OED LONDON, ENGLAND, March 15, 2007-- The official self-appointed keepers of the "English" language, the makes of the Oxford English Dictionary (OED), have taken a cue from other coattail-riders and awarded The Honorable Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A. with yet another honor, just so they can be mentioned on their favorite nerd-fest along with his glorious name. They are nothing but assholes (volume I, page 473). The OED definazis will set aside a special vial of their very best ink to add the word "wiki" to the next edition of their book. Like anyone really cares what those panty-waists think (volume XXIV, page 242). Other recent additions to this precious comiplation of trivia are: # hoody (also hoodie) (noun) informal - a person, especially a youth, wearing a hooded top. # bling bling (noun) informal - the decorative, yet inexpensive, jewelry prominently worn by a person, especially a youth. # wedge issue (noun) informal - the wardrobe malfunctions often experienced by people, especially youths, who wear clothing that is not an ideal fit. Apparently, the editors at OED like to steal from America's urban youth, the bastards (volume III, page 77). For more information, go to hell, Wikiality.com doesn't deal "reading" that's a drug we stay far away from. Dr. Colbert don't prescribe hate. ### Stephen Colbert displays Captain America's Shield on TV Political pundit now in posession of legendary weapon Following up on yesterday's story reporting that Captain America's shield was missing, we've learned that Cap's shield has resurfaced and is now in the hands of Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report." Colbert... received a letter from Marvel EIC Joe Quesada, presenting the shield to the late night talk show host. Quesada's letter states that Steve Rogers bequeathed the shield to Colbert in his Will, which was read last Friday. After reading the letter, Colbert's staff brought out the shield and the bespectacled host hefted the legendary weapon, stating, "Cap? I hope I make you proud." Full story ### Captain America's Shield Missing Unbreakable symbol of freedom and heroism has disappeared Details are sketchy at this time, but a S.H.I.E.L.D. spokesperson has revealed that Captain America's shield has gone missing. It's unclear who has taken the shield as no photographic evidence exists, but S.H.I.E.L.D. has issued an artistic rendering of the accused along with this statement. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is following several leads and we are working with the cooperation of New York City authorities to resolve this matter." Un-named sources have spotted several S.H.I.E.L.D agents in and around television studios owned by Comedy Central. Full story Apparently Joe Quesada didn't invite the guys from S.H.I.E.L.D. to the reading of the will. ### Congressman Admits to Killing Puppies, Molesting Children and Worshipping Satan! FREMONT, CALIFORNIA, March 13, 2007-- It was inevitable, America was even warned, but no one expected that it would happen during The Greatest President Ever's lifetime, much less during his term. Many believe The Dark Prince's Handmaiden was behind it. Others say it is proof of the coming End Times. And now it has finally come at the dawn of a new century; Satan has finally infiltrated America's congress in the form of Pete Stark, a democrat from Cauliflower, naturally. "There is no such thing as The Baby Jesus," Mr. Stark told Wikiality.com between bites into the remains of an aborted child of America, "I believe the church and state should be two seperate entitites and I believe that global warming exists." Lindsay Graham, a senator from South Carolina interjected himself into the email interview to inform Wikiality.com that the Ghost of Strom Thurmond told him to begin secession proceedings to that South Carolina would not be tainted by such hate. Mr. Graham continued, "I say, I say, I never in my life been witness to such outrageous hatred and, and anti-American sentiments. It just figures a democrat from Californicator would support a person like this to best represent them." An unnamed Diebold representative entered what was quickly turning into a chatroom to remind America, "if we had anything to do with that election, America would still be atheist-free." ### Cheney's Doctor Orders Him To Rest DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES, March 11, 2007-- After finding a deep vein thrombosis in an undisclosed location in one of the Vice President's ample thighs, a doctor who treated Dick Cheney has demanded that he slow down with all his hard work and take some rest in a warm, dry climate. In an unprecedented display of generosity, Halliburton, a company the Vice President once worked for while in college, has offered to build him a special residence in the seaside resort town of Dubai. "Mr. Cheney is, was one of our best employees," said an unnamed Halliburton executive, "and this is the least we could do, now that he has become Vice President. We are so proud of him!" Arizona Senator and Presidential candidate, John McCain eagerly spoke on the Vice President's behalf, "It is my fondest wish to see Mr. Cheney in good health and safe from the current events in Washington, D.C., which may prove to be too taxing for his frail, yet bountiful heart." Choking back tears, Mr. McCain continued, "he has carried so many burdens for his country and he has earned and deserves this rest. Godspeed, Mr. Cheney, Godspeed, my dear friend..." Mr. McCain ahd to be taken away as he sobbed uncontrollably at the thought of his friend and mentor, Mr. Dick Cheney may have to retire if his doctor doesn't release him from this prescribed medical exile. Wikiality.com would like to extend our sincerest condolences to Dick, Lynne, their normal daughter and their lesbo daughter at this, their time of transition. ### FOX Removes John Edwards From Debate LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, March 10, 2007-- After offering him a debate, where he could basically choose his own rules, Fox News was forced to remove former North Carolina Senator and Democrat Presidential candidate, John Edwards from the event, which was to be held in Las Vegas on August 14, 2007. "He was just getting unreasonable," Roger Ailes, Grand Wizard for Das Fox News Stassi, told Wikiality.com during an interview Sunday, "we basically offered him whatever he wanted to get him to commit, but apparently, his people aren't able to be in committed relationships of any kind." Wikiality.com got an exculsive look at the debate parameters Fox News offered Mr. Edwards, which included: # the date of his choosing # opponents to debate of his choosing # allowing him to choose which of his opponents must debate nude and without a podium # 3 bowls full of green M 'n M brand candies # 72 virgins Many pundits were aghast at Mr. Edwards treatment of the diminutive Mr. Ailes, and rallied to his defense: "Mr. Ailes is no fag," an unnamed employee of Mr. Ailes' said, "and he shouldn't have to put up with the unreasonable demands of a bunch of negro-loving, women like the Democrats." No word yet as to a new date, but Fox News vows not to be so thoughtful and giving next time they make such a magnanimous offer to any liberal ever again. ### Steve Forbes Declares "U.S. Ecomony Is Just Fine" RIYADH, KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA, March 9, 2007-- Former Republican Presidential candidate and billionaire publisher Steve Forbes announced today that the number of billionaires in the world is nearing 1,000! Thus proving without a doubt how well the U.S. economy is doing! "Never in history has there been such an advance," Mr. Forbes shouted above the sound only flushing golden toilets can make. As topless servants fanned him with palm fronds, Mr. Forbes continued, "This boom goes beyond commodities. Working people are not spending their retirement on healthcare, there once was a time when half of all personal bankruptcies filed in 2001 by Americans resulted from people being unable to pay their medical bills, but no more, this is the richest year in human history! Suck on that, Nancy Pelosi, we don't need your socialist laws! ### "All American Week" Cancelled, "All Iraq Week" To Be Celebrated Instead The Troops of North Carolina's Fort Bragg will not be celebrating All American Week this year, because too few of them are currently in America. "All American Week" is an annual tradition for the 82nd Airborne Division, which spends the week before Memorial Day celebrating all that is good about America. This year, however, the celebration has been cancelled since most of the 17,000 paratroopers who would otherwise be celebrating will be deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan. In honor of this happy circumstance, Fort Bragg officials are suggesting replacing the "All American Week" celebration with new "All Iraq Week" and "All Afghanistan Day" parties for the paratroopers. In unrelated news, six paratroopers from the 82nd Division were killed on Monday and four more were wounded when a bomb exploded near their patrol vehicles. A spokesman for U.S. forces in Iraq said, "Our hearts go out to their families. These losses have only strengthened our resolve to continue freedom fighting the terrorists here, rather than at home. And at least they won't be missing the party." Scooter Libby Receives Pardon! WASHINGTON D.C., AMERICA! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!-- After nine days of deliberation a jury of his peers found that Mr. Libby has qualified for a pardon. Lawyers for both sides were satisfied by the jury's decision and Wikiality.com reporters are notifying the home office that plans for a riot to protest possible "guilty" verdicts (and not the verdict of "pardon") have been called off. Gardeners, housekeepers and nannies from Houston, Texas to Stamford, Connecticut have all been allowed to go back to their regular duties. ### Cherokee Council Bans Writer From Nation OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA, March 3, 2007-- The Leaders of the Cherokee Nation voted this past weekend to remove Debra Dickerson from their tribal rolls, asking her to stop refering to herself as an African-Cherokee-Freedman-Descendant-American. An unnamed member of the Descendants of Freedmen of the Five Civilized Tribes, told Wikiality.com this afternoon in a special smoke-signal conference call. "We weren't sure if she was even a member, but we voted to kick her out just in case. Members of our nation pointed to her performance on "The Colbert Report" as the reason she was kicked out," the DFFCT member continued, "And we expect a call from her lawyer come Monday to challenge the election results." The tribe is also expected to vote on the definitions of "descendant" and "election". The leader of the Nation Council, Chief Dances with Focus Groups, tried to explain to Wikiality.com exactly what a "Cherokee-American" is: "A Cherokee is a person whose ancestors were Native-Americans listed by blood on the Dawes Rolls." When asked to explain what a "Native-American" was, the Chief said: "A Native-American is a person whose ancestors are the indigenous or original inhabitants of the Americas prior to European arrival." When asked to explain what "original" means, the Chief said: "An originalist is a person whose ancestors owned land and believed in the fixed and knowable meaning of a word or phrase (or Constitution) at the time of creation." Wikiality.com contracted vertigo and remains confused. ### WE DID IT!! CYBERSPACE, THE INTERNETS, March 3, 2007 – Great news, heroes! Just a day after Stephen Colbert asked The Nation to make his speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner the #1 audiobook on iTunes, the charts at the iTunes Store show exactly that. Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope is still stuck at #6. EAT IT OBAMA! UPDATE: As of March 5th, 2007, Stephen's audiobook remains #1. UPDATE 2: As of March 6th, 2007, Stephen's Audiobook has fallen to #2, just behind the hippie-dippie psychobabble of The Secret - let's get it back to #1 Nation! UPDATE 3: As of March 14th, 2007, Stephen's Audiobook remains at #2, still behind the mumbo-jumbo wish-upon-a-star hoohaw of The Secret - let's get it back to #1 Nation! ### Hippies Award Dr. Colbert ASPEN, COLORADO, March 3, 2007-- The hippies who couldn't hitch a ride back to their "off the grid" commune after Sundance gave Stephen an award. He may be as pleased with it as he was when The Gays gave him one. Why is everyone trying to ride Stephen's coattails? For the "filtered" story, please click here. ### Alberto Gonzales Investigating Schwarzenegger SACRAMENTO, CAULIFLOWER, March 3, 2007-- The Attorney General of the United States, Alberto Gonzales, announced today that the Justice Department has been investigating sexual abuse and exploitation of children in Sacramento. Wikiality.com immediately knew that meant Arnold Schwarzenegger was groping someone. Doing a bit of investigative work ourselves, hundreds of Wikiality.com staffers, editors, and volunteers scoured the internets tubes looking for the slightest confirmation of what we already knew to be true. And after googling "Attorney General Gonzales Highlights Department Efforts to Combat Sexual Abuse and Exploitation of Children in Sacramento" a story detailing "the sexual abuse and exploitation of Children in Sacramento" popped up. "The sexual abuse and exploitation of children in Sacramento"!!! It says it all right there! What else does anyone need! None of the hundreds of Wikiality.com staffers, editors, or volunteers can get around the parent block on their computers to view (or confirm) the story, but we just know Schwarzenegger is involved, and that's all that really matters, isn't it? ###